Monday, September 8, 2008

It’s A Mad Mad World

To be sure. And do you know why? Because so many things make you mad, mad, mad! Think about it.

If the president isn't taking away your civil rights or simply acting the stupid fool, then he's flaunting his wealth and power as he laughs in your face.

If your health care provider isn't raping you of all your money in exchange for treating your ailment, then he/she is telling you that nothing can be done (as he/she rapes you of all your money.)

If your children aren't destroying everything you own, then they're embarassing you in public.

If your boss isn't telling you what to do, then he/she is telling you what NOT to do.

If the illegal immigrants aren't complaining about having to learn your language and follow your customs, then they're complaining that you haven't given them paradise on a stick, for free.

If the terrorists aren't complaining about how much they want to kill you, then they're complaining that you aren't giving them a fair trial.

If the bride isn't complaining because everything isn't going her way, then she's complaining because it is.

If the government isn't listening in on all your phone conversations, then it's having IRS monitor your credit card purchases.

If your neighbor isn't throwing all his/her trash into your yard, then he/she is complaining that your grass is too tall.

If your pain pills aren't alleviating your pain, too bad, so sad.

If your cat isn't leaving hairs in your favorite chair, then it's pooping on your bedroom floor.

If your dog isn't chewing up your good shoes, then it's licking your face after it's eaten the cat poop off your bedroom floor.

If the oil companies aren't raping you on the cost of gasoline, then they're trying to convince you that using corn is the solution to the problem.

If your television viewing choices don't all revolve around terrorized teenagers, then they're all about stupid bimbos with big boobs or testosterone/steriod addicts carrying big guns.

If your sister isn't borrowing your favorite dress, then she's telling everyone you're fat.

If your wife isn't complaining that you don't earn enough money, then she's complaining because she spent it all too fast.

If the big corporations aren't using psychological manipulation to make you buy their products, then they're passing laws that say you have to.

If God isn't telling you how to live your life, then he's telling you how you will exist after you die.

If your car isn't sucking up all the gas in its tank, then it's blowing out the tires on its wheels.

If the lead isn't breaking on your pencil, then the pen is leaking all over your hand.

If your toilet isn't flushing as it should, then it's overflowing onto the floor.

If the thugs aren't raping our little girls, then they're shooting our little boys as they drive past.

If your politicians aren't giving themselves pay raises for doing nothing, then they're giving themselves pay raises for still doing nothing.

If your hair isn't falling out of your head, then your teeth are falling out of your mouth, your waistline is expanding, and your boobs are falling.

If your lettuce isn't contaminated with e-coli, then your tomatoes are contaminated with salmonella and your japelenos are contaminated with both.

If your husband isn't complaining that you spend too much money, then he's complaining that you don't give him enough sex.

If the cockroaches aren't invading your kitchen, then they're making a home in your bed.

If the cattle aren't dropping dead from mad cow disease, then the birds are dropping dead from the bird flu.

If the garbage men aren't dumping your trash back into your yard, then they're skipping your house altogether.

If the lions and tigers and elephants aren't being hunted to extermination in Africa, then global warming is killing off the penguins at both poles.

If your glass isn't half full, then it's all the way empty.

If the police department isn't complaining that it doesn't have enough officers to enforce speed limit abusers and and red-light runners, then it's complaining that it had to spend millions to put cameras up at every intersection.

If your computer isn't crashing from viruses, then it's crashing because ... it can.

If your electricity isn't going out because some idiot smashed his/her car into the power pole, then the power company is shutting it off for routine maintenance.

If the airlines aren't complaining that they're not making enough money off of exhorbitant air fares, then they're forcing you to sit in the plane on the runway for hours because they're too cheap to keep their planes properly serviced.

If the Democrats aren't complaining about the Republicans, then the Republicans are complaining about the Democrats.

If the grocery store isn't hiding rotten meat beneath the good meat in the package, then they're throwing your canned goods around so they'll get dented.

If the postal service isn't raising the postage rate, then they're discontinuing weekend service.

If the lightening doesn't strike your satellite dish, then the rain will flood your garden.

If the politician's aren't passing laws and raising taxes to ensure they still receive a full salary after they retire, then they're getting their wives to run for office so the citizens can pay HER a full salary after she retires from office too.

If you aren't getting cancer from smoking those cigarettes, then you're going to suffer obesity and diabetes from eating fast food.

If you can't afford a nice funerary casket, then the mortician buries you in a cardboard box.

If the prince isn't neglecting his pretty wife so he can bang his mistress, then he's marrying his mistress so he can bang a new mistress.

If the security service isn't lying about how well it can protect your home, then it's posting signs in your yard to attract the burglars so it can ensure your continued business.

If the movie stars aren't complaining about paparazzi, then the producers are complaining about not getting enough publicity.

If tornados aren't chewing up the midwest, then hurricanes are destroying the coast.

If the chef at the restaurant isn't spitting into your food, then the waitress is sneezing over your plate.

If you aren't getting fungus under your toenails, then you're getting warts on your face.

If you complain about being wrongfully fired from your job, then you're blackballed from ever getting another one.

If the wealthy aren't complaining about having to pay taxes, then they're complaining because the poor aren't paying even more.

If you think your sweat doesn't stink, then your breath surely will.

If I'm not griping, someone else is.

And if the North Pole doesn't melt by spring, then the sun will surely go nova by fall. It's a mad, mad world, to be sure.

May 5, 2008

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